Lord of the Laxative Jelly Rings
by Estel Star-Kindler
Summary: Madness and mayhem: what the world of Middle Earth would really be like, if they were all obsessed with food... Please review!


**Disclaimer – ****Ok, nope, I don't own the rights to Lord of the Rings, nor any of the foods mentioned in this one off freaky lil number!**

**A/N**** – Ok… this 'thing' came into being as I was walking back from the village centre with my lil bro and a packet of Skittles. Its not the entire scripts, its just lil odd bits that have been changed from all three movies (RotK Trailer!) and been adjusted to fit my mad and insane mind. So without further do, let the chaos and mayhem ensue!!!**

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Lord of the Laxative Jelly Rings

The packaging has changed.

I feel it in my Coca Cola.

I taste it in my Big Mac.

I smell it in the public toilets.

Much that once was, is now lost... for none now live, who can be bothered to make it...

It began with the making of the Great Jelly Rings. Three grape flavour were given to the Elves, drunkest, thickest and silliest of all beings. Seven cola flavoured were given to the dwarves, great sculptures of the chocolate halls. And nine, nine lime rings were given to the race of Men, who above all else, desire citrus fruits...

For within these Rings was poured the real fruit juice and preferred fizzy drink of each Race - but they were all of them deceived, for another Ring was made...

In the land of Belgium, in the factories of Lindt the Dark Chocolate Lord Sweet'n'Sour made in secret a Master Ring, to control all others. And into this Ring, he poured pineapple juice, laxative, and his will to own all sweet companies.

One by one, the free sweet lands of Cadbury's fell to the power of the Ring - but there were some, who resisted. A Last Alliance of Nestle, Hershies and Mars marched against the armies of Lindt, and on the slopes of Mount Liquorice, they fought for the freedom of Cadbury Land. Victory was near - but the power of the Laxative, could not be undone. It was in this moment, when all chocolate had melted, that Istanbul, son of the King, took up his fathers sugar Candy Cane; and Sweet'n'Sour, enemy of the free sweet companies of Cadbury Land, was defeated...

The Ring now passed to Istanbul, who had this one chance to destroy laxatives forever. But the digestive systems of Men are easily cleaned out... and the Ring of Laxative, has a will of its own. It betrayed Istanbul, to his death... and some things, that should not have been left lying around, grew mouldy. Mould became white fluff, white fluff became fossilized, and for the length of two and a half thousand adverts, the Rings passed out of all digestive systems and knowledge.

Until, when chance came, it ensnared a new customer. The Ring, came to the creature gobstopper, who took it deep into the tunnels of the Candy Floss Mountains - and there, he consumed it. For 500 years, he tried to eat it.

Dark chocolate crept back into the sweet shops of the world. Rumours grew of a 95% cocoa dark chocolate bar in the east, whispers of a nameless bar, and the Ring of Laxative perceived - its time, had now come.

It abandoned Gobstopper - but something happened then, the Ring did not intend. It was picked up, by the most unlikely creature imaginable. Cookies'n'Cream, a Hershies bar from the Shoppe.

For the time would soon come, when Hershies bar, would shape the fortunes, of all...

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**Brown**-**Chocolate** - One does not simply just ooze into Lindt. The Dark Chocolate Gate is gaurded by more than just Jelly Tots. There is liquorice there, that does not get eaten. And the Great Jelly Baby is ever watchful. It is a land riddled with sherbet and cream soda, the very air you breathe is evaporated milk... Not with 10,000 bars could you do this. It is filly - oops, folly.

**Lamnmintsorce** - Have you swallowed nothing Lord Mint Munchie has given you? The Laxative Ring must be destroyed!

**Brown**-**chocolate** - And what if we melt, what then? What happens when Sweet'n'Sour takes back what is his?

**Goulash** - I would flush myself down a toilet, before I see the Ring in the hands of an Elf!

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**Fruit'n'nut** - I really need the loo.. I wish the Ring had never come to me - I wish their were some loo's down here...

**Gollywog** - So do all who end up in such looless situations, but that is not for them to decide. All you have to decide is which boulder to wee behind.

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**Aerosol** - They were once Lollipops - great Kings of Lollipops - til Sweet'n'Sour the Toilet Master gave to them Nine Rings of Lime. Blinded by the citrus acid, they took them without question, one by one falling down ravines... now they are slaves to his toiletry needs. They are Zombies, neither living nor dead. At all times they feel the presence of the laxative, drawn to the power of the loo's... they will never stop needing the wee.

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**Lord** **Munchie** - If Aerosol survives this heating you will still be parted. If Sweet'n'Sour is eaten, and Areocel made King, and all that you wish for comes true, you will still have to taste the bitterness of the lemon juice.

Whether in the oven or by the slow moldy decay of time, Aerosol will melt. And then there will be no Comfort Vaporess for you, no Comfort to ease the pain of his sell by date. He will come to death, an image of the rich chocolatiness of the splendor of the King of Whateverheis, in glory undimmed before the recession in the eighties.

But you, my daughter, you will linger on the sweet shop shelf with dark chocolate and bean sprouts, like a smell in a toilet that will not go away. Here you will dwell, bound by the fact you have no legs beneath the mould infested shop ceiling, until all the customers have left and the long days on the shelf means you've passed you best before date. Aero, there is nothing here for you... only to be eaten or melted.

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**Aerosol** - I taste in your chocolate, the same fear that would take the cocoa in me! There may come a day when all our chocolate melts. When we pass our sell by dates, and melt all wrappers of Cadbury's. But that day is not this day. This day, we eat!

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**Lord** **Mint** **Munchie** - This is your taste test. Every store you have been in, from Marks and Spencer to Woolies, has led to this shop.

**Aero** - Give him the wrapper of the King!

**Lord** **Mint** **Munchie** - Eat who you were born to eat!

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**Aerosol** - The Mines are no place for a Tootie Fruitie. Even one so brave as Raspberry Flavour.

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**Aerosol** - You have some sprinkles on your ice cream.

**Eggybap** - The cones of this sea side learned long ago, that those without sprinkles can still be blinded by them. I fear neither blindness nor chocolate.

**Aerosol** - What do you fear, my Choc-Ice?

**Eggybap** - The heat. To be kept in the sun until I melt and become a goo, and all chance of being eaten has gone beyond reality or by sell be date.

**Aerosol** - You a Choc-Ice of Cadbury's, a favourite of little brats. I do not think that will be your fate... And what is it with everyone passing their sell by dates around here?

**Eggybap** - Beats me, I'm just a Choc-Ice.

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**Lord** **Mint** **Munchie** - Our time on the shelf is ending... Aero's time, is ending. Let her go. Let her be bought by some small child. Let her be eaten and excrete her love for you before you both pass your best before.

**Aerosol** - But never more than a moldy bar.

**Lord** **Mint** **Munchie** - I will not leave my daughter here to melt!

**Aerosol** - She is unsold because she still has hope -

**Lord** **Mint** **Munchie** - She is unsold for you, she belongs in someone's stomach!!! Before she goes off!

**Aerosol** - Hey **what** **is** **it** with the whole gone off thing???

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**Galaxy** - The amount of liquorice of the Enemy is growing. Sweet'n'Sour will use his puppet Smoothies to destroy the Choc-Ice's of RumLand. Itwasn'tme has been sold off. The Rattle of the Great Jelly Baby now turns to Gonorhere, the last free kingdom of Chocolate. His war on this company will come swiftly.

The bladder of the Ring Bearer is weakening. In her kidney's, Fruit'n'nut begins to understand... The Quest, will claim his intestines. You know this, you heard it on an advert. It is the bet we all placed.

In the electrical black out, the laxative in the Ring grows strong. It works hard now to find its way back into the wrapper os Chocolate bars - Chocolate bars, whose digestive systems are so easy to clean out with its power. The young Captain of Gonorhere has but to eat the Laxative Ring all on his own - and the world will be flushed down the loo. It is close now, so close to driving them to the public toilets. For Sweet'n'Sour will have dominion over all bladders on this Cadbury Land, even unto the ending of the adverts. The time of the Elves is over. Do we leave Cadbury Land to its fate? Do we let them melt alone?

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**Sprouts** - I know. It's all wrong. By law this entire piece is copyright. But here we are. It's like in the great yard-long Dairy Milks, Mr. Fruit'n'nut. The ones that really tasted good. Full of richness and creaminess they were. And sometimes you didn't want to come to the end, because then how could you be happy? How could the customer go back to the way they were when they'd eaten so much and their clothes didn't fit?

Because in the end, there's so much chocolate left, in the cupboard. Even on the shop shelf. A new delivery will come. And when the shelf is re-stacked it'll be stacked even higher.

Those were the chocolate bars that stayed with them, so you'd never be too small to get on rides. And I think, Mr. Fruit'n'nut, we will get on rides. I know someone. Folk at these fun fairs have lots of chances to do the right thing only they don't. They keep cheating. They keep holding onto something.

**Fruit**'**n**'**nut** - What are we holding onto, Sprouts?

**Sprouts** - That people have money in their pockets, Mr. Fruit'n'nut. And one day they'll buy us.

**Fruit**'**n**'**nut** - Before we pass out sell by date?

**Aerosol** - WILL SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN THE SELL BY THING TO ME?!?!?!?!?!!?!?

~~~xxx~~~

I'll do more if you really want me to, but I hadn't planned on it. So what did you think anyways??? Oh, and sorry if Hershies is spelt wrong – I'm English!


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